Having trouble remembering how many houses you have, John?

K, well...

Well, too bad about the whole Obama thing, huh?

Apparently the 2008 election for President ended today when the always reliable Zogby announced that John McCain will be elected over two months from now by 5%.

This is a HUGE relief for me because I was worried I might have to spend the fall making phone calls for Barack Obama and giving money to Barack Obama and maybe even flying somewhere on election day to go door to door for Barack Obama, but now that the election is over my family and I are freed up to go on our semi-annual, cross-country, tour of cities that claim to be the "Cheese Capitol" of America.

I don't know that I am able to do this with a hell of a lot of grace, but I'm hoping the rule of thumb is, "Better to do it badly and honestly than not at all."

In anticipation of what will happen tomorrow... or Wednesday... or Thursday... or Friday... or Saturday... or Sunday... or Monday... or Tuesday... or Wednesday, here is The Official Daily Kos Bitch and Moan About Barack Obama's Vice Presidential Choice.

I'm currently in Colorado, where I last was five years ago.

This time its to celebrate my father's sixty-fifth birthday.

The last time it was to parade my daughter Josephine in front of two great-grandmothers, four great-aunts, one great-uncle, and enough adopted/half/step cousins to fill a baseball roster and stock a farm team.

This diary is inspired by what I noticed on the road THIS time, but first, a tale of what occurred on my previous Colorado sojourn...

So, my wife, Holly, bought be a Barack Obama "Obama Rama" air freshener to hang from the rear-view mirror on my car and let me tell you… though I cannot guarantee the REAL Barack Obama will fulfill all our hopes and dreams when he is President… as an unpleasant smell-obfuscator, the guy and his likeness are second to none. I'm not sure what the makers of the "Obama Rama" air freshener have added to the cherry-soda smell, but this puppy is nasal-nuclear.

Anyway, the sweet pungency aside, the new addition to my olfactory automotive aura prompted the following interaction with my son Truman the almost four-year old (who previously called the presumptive Democratic nominee Bramobama)...

How can he agree that Hillary Clinton name to be on the roll call ballot at the convention?

This is insane. What if dragons come flying out of her backside? What if she is cutting deals with some of his pledged and super delegates to elect her Queen of All Things Green and Vegetative? How about if the Clintons create a scandal against Obama this coming week... like they call him really, really, stinky names... or accuse him of not being ready on day twenty-three... or what if they produce a photo of him and Osama Bin Laden playing checkers together... all to scare the delegates into voting for her at the convention? I simply cannot believe this. Obama has made a huge and dangerous mistake, much like the other twelve other huge and dangerous mistakes he's made up until this point, which is why he got killed in the primaries and is trailing McCain by 100 electoral votes. This is why John Edwards is the nominee! Never trust the Klingons, never ever.

I've been watching coverage of what happened in Arkansas earlier today, specifically the unimaginable tragedy of the death of Arkansas Democratic Chairman Bill Gwatney, and it brought to mind something I've been struggling with over the last week and a half...

If the Watergate tapes were never discovered, Hillary Clinton would be the Democratic nominee for the President of the United States of America.

I write the headlines NOW, so you can avoid the newspapers LATER...

I couldn't sleep last night.

Based on recent developments, the Progressive Blogasphere Defense Department has changed the PBAS (Progressive Blogasphere Advisory System) from PROTEIN BAR, as it was on the day Senator John McCain was leading in the Rassmussen daily tracking poll, back down to the less critical ARUGULA.

The McCain Campaign, along with the RNC, hot off the heels of their "tire gage" campaign, opened a new line of attack on Democratic presumptive nominee Barack Obama, mocking him openly for Obama's suggestion that the, "Earth is round."

The campaign, which rewards contributers with an accurate FLAT representation of the Earth, as well as a bumper sticker saying "Next You're Going To Tell Us The Earth Revolves Around The Sun, Senator Obama!", will kick off tomorrow, when Senator McCain will sail to the end of the planet and throw Paris Hilton into the abyss.

"When voters see that hottie being devoured by the End Of the World Dragons," RNC Chairman Mike Duncan smiled, "THEN they'll know who is ready to be President on day one!"

This may be a tad rambling and personal. Let me apologize in advance...

Standing on the main stage at a world famous gathering of artists and left-leaners in Nevada on Monday, Barack Obama looked out on a sea of people dressed as ostriches and sexualized vegetables and told them he enjoyed their company much more than that of those who turned out to see John McCain at a supermarket last month.

“As you may know,” he told the thousands gathered, “not long ago, five people stood in the meat aisle to watch my opponent stare down a block of sharp cheddar and a set of sale-item cow testicles. I’ll take the scream of all you people hopped up on narcotics any day!”

Sorry for the short diary, but I just learned that John McCain has surged to an 11 point lead in Gallup's new Minutely Tracking Poll. I don't have time to get into the internals, but just say at 10:53 AM PST on August 4th John McCain is killing Obama amongst farmers, people with allergies and kids in--

Having convinced American's that selling more leases for offshore drilling will solve the energy crisis (even though there are no rigs to do said drilling and the oil companies already HAVE existing contracts that they've not explored and any meager price reductions will be fleeting and not materialize for close to a decade) John McCain is stepping up efforts to make the most of his issue advantage by rolling out a platform that suggest offshore drilling as the solution to EVERY American problem this election cycle.

Faced with obvious skepticism regarding this claim, the McCain camp quickly released the below map, showing the actual location of all his "American Solutions for America Wells"...

From Michael Goldfarb, head of online communications from the McCain camp:

But in their new role as bloggers, the (New York Times') editors seem to have all the intelligence and reason of the average Daily Kos diarist sitting at home in his mother's basement and ranting into the ether between games of dungeons and dragons.

Oh, where to start...